Christina Heaston is awesome.

Best idea EVER. Wish I was this crafty... maybe someday in the future.  That would require for me to first - be able to go to thrift stores, which will be awesome.  Anyway, totally legit Christmas wrapping, is all I have to say.

white Christmas musings...

Chinua Achebe wrote a book called Things Fall Apart.  I'm not really going to go into a diatribe comparing my family's relationships to the colonization of Africa, but I feel like borrowing his title for a minute.  Miscommunication happens.  Fight for individual independence while living at home during college happens.  Sibling age gaps happens.  Being the oldest sibling and understanding all sides of the conflict happens.  Being the youngest and identifying conflict as your family's character happens.  Being the middle one and feeling like you'll always be looped in with the youngest one happens.  Being the only boy and feeling like you're always blamed for everything happens.  Being the mom and wondering where you went wrong, why they all don't want to hang out with each other all the time happens.  Being the dad and feeling trapped in an endless cycle happens.  Things fall apart.  I feel like both a participant and a witness these days.  And I'm learning to not be so selfish... that it takes what I may see as sacrifice to start building the brick layers of healthy family relationships... and it's worth it.  Tomorrow I'm probably going to play in the snow - in front of my own house.  I'm going to curl up and read a book with my sis.  I'm going to watch White Christmas with the sisters.  I forgot that I want to spend time with them, and that's a shame.  What a gift I've been given, and yet - sometimes I have chosen to leave it for another day.  Well, that day's tomorrow.  Things can be put back together again.

more than a Christmas Carol

Lately I've been kind of challenging myself to really listen to songs... every now and then, I will sing a song in church or even just hear it on the radio, and halfway through my autopilot rendition of it, realize the incredible depth of the words that I so often sing mechanically, without a thought to them.   A lot of Christmas songs, written so many years ago, are actually stunning in their depth of theology and blatantly messianic themes, yet I hear them and think nothing more than "Christmas song", just the same as Frosty the Snowman or Jingle Bells.  These are two that caught my attention recently - I'll highlight some of the parts that really impacted me once I took a second look:

Joy to the World

Joy to the World , the Lord is come!
Let earth receive her King;
Let every heart prepare Him room,
And Heaven and nature sing,
And Heaven and nature sing,
And Heaven, and Heaven, and nature sing.

Joy to the World, the Savior reigns!
Let men their songs employ;
While fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat, repeat, the sounding joy.

No more let sins and sorrows grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground;
He comes to make His blessings flow
Far as the curse is found,
Far as the curse is found,
Far as, far as, the curse is found.

He rules the world with truth and grace,
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love.

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height,
In ancient times did'st give the Law,
In cloud, and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel. 

 Did you ever notice how much this last one had to do with bringing back Israel to its Maker?  This is not Isaiah or Hosea, friends, but present day "Christmas Carol"!

the sound that still resonates...

reflections from last night...


listening to the gifts you've given my friends as they warm up through instrument and song
slow jams in soft light - singing of the power of your name
the funny paradox between how much I love gungor/beautiful things and how much Rachel already  knows that
Rach's boots on the table, candle flickering
journaling
Tanner's spontaneous solo
a beautiful chorus of OH's
Armfield's arms outstretched, worship in moments of unorganized preparation
wobbly tables, broken walls
unfinished paintings, colors of a sky screaming 
christmas twinkle lights
empty chairs soon to be filled by family
red cowgirl boots, soft gel lights
beautiful voices
friends that are family, family that are friends

and then this... God already knew this has been on my mind recently, and in so many ways, he answered my prayers last night, just in choosing to show me more, to teach me and guide me, to give me insight and even more reason to trust him

2 Corinthians 12:1 I must go on boasting. Though there is nothing to be gained by it, I will go on to visions and revelations of the Lord. 2 I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven—whether in the body or out of the body I do not know, God knows.3 And I know that this man was caught up into paradise—whether in the body or out of the body I do not know, God knows— 4 and he heard things that cannot be told, which man may not utter. 5 On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses. 6 Though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. 7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, [1] a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

 later, I find myself in the dark and freedom of the back of this "family living room"... arms outstretched, declaring loudly, 

God, I trust you!

... in that moment, I feel such freedom, because I'm telling him I trust him for so many different things.  With confidence, I really do trust him with my future.  With joy, even, that I haven't been able to feel or step into before, I trust him with this time in front of me of waiting to know what comes next.   Will I lapse into fear? worry?  But I don't have to... I have declared that I trust him - I know he has a plan.  It even brings me joy to know that I do have this blank slate before me where he will put things in place as they need to come, that he will show me only as much as I need to know...  it's freedom and risk at exactly the same time. 


... can I trust him to recreate beauty and restore brokenness?  can I trust that if I walk this way, he will provide, not "just enough to get by", but in abundance?  can I trust that I'm in the right place, that these are the right shoes to be stepping in to?  can I trust that whatever purpose he has is what is good and perfect for me - whether it's just a piece of the puzzle or a big part of the picture?


all of these thoughts make me think of the process Rach's painting has been through even in the last three weeks I've seen it... how it has transformed each time - all reflecting the beautiful colors of the sky, but the path lightening,  the hills becoming more clear, the hues of its greenery shifting to reflect a new purpose... you're changing me.  With each new part of your plan, the scenery looks a little different.  But those colors of the sky, they still stretch wildly across, jewel tones that starkly represent something - beauty, mystery, power.  Somehow that resonates with me.  that, and the sound of my own voice declaring my trust in you... i can almost still hear it...


I trust you.  I am willing, I am walking, I am thankful. 

Tuesday Randoms...

School is drawing to a close and I'm under a false pretense that that means things will slow down... of course, I'm remembering that it won't quite... and that it will only be the scenery that changes in the course of a few hours.  Soon, a library full of caffeine-hyped college students cramming and facebooking will be exchanged for a bustling theatre with a disconcerting mix of nostalgia, brilliance, hype, brokenness, and a facade that pretends not to face it.  


On Sunday we talked in detail about what's going on in the world - namely, the trafficking industry.  Adam said something that resonated with me, but it wasn't even really related.  I guess not on a surface level, but when I was reminded by a friend that it's really all about brokenness, it makes sense.  The Spirit reminded me that just as I see this time at home as an opportunity to pour into someone who has been wronged, I can't give up on the person who hurt her.  I can't hide behind the reaction that I want to have, or the reaction that other people will have.  I have to remember that he is broken, too... and this may be an opportunity to pour into him as well.  It may be that God uses this circumstance for such a time as this with him... not what I had in mind.  Not what seems easy, or even, "right".  


On Monday, I was taken aback a little bit by the sincerity and passion and emotion of a friend who has seen injustice up close and personal, and was moved to tears that we aren't doing enough - that we don't even know (or care) what we're up against.  I was challenged to ask myself if I do what I do to say that I did it, or if I do it because I am TRULY motivated by the gospel.  Sure, I can give $15 to Project Rescue, but would I be willing to drop everything and go?  


Later I sat in a prayer meeting... and I came across this thing that just keeps confusing me.  Yes, I do so want the Kingdom to come, yes, I do want the pain to be over, the tears to be dried... but can I pray for His kingdom to come so soon?   As I sit here knowing that I'll be in that kingdom, but so many won't?  Can I pray for the race to end, for there to be no more time for anyone else to be let in?   Is it better to pray for Him to come so that there is "no more pain", but for those who don't know Him to have pain forever??  I am so confused by this concept.  I don't know if I can pray for Him to come back so soon.  Of course I hate the injustice.  Of course I'm horrified at the Enemy and the way he has twisted the brokenness of people.  Of course I want Jesus to bring vengeance and restoration.  But God, can we have more time?  I think maybe when I was reading the words of Asaph today I was a little comforted that he thought something similar... 

How long, O God, is the foe to scoff?  Is the enemy to revile your name forever?  Why do you hold back your hand, your right hand?  Take it from the fold of your garment and destroy them!  <<Yet God my King is from of old, working salvation in the midst of the earth.>>  Psalm 74: 10-12 

I also found this song.  I'm really loving the music of Jon Foreman right now... possibly because it's straight out of the Bibliya.  


And then there's this thing on my mind.  The Lord has been faithful in keeping me on my toes, providing me with people who encourage me to guard my heart.  Oh the tightropeline walking of fighting and wandering, though - so tempting.  I guess I'm kinda glad that it gave me a knot in my stomach tonight, though... like - Jesus, please keep my eyes on you.  Let me trust you - for time, for provision, for guidance, for clarity.  Help me to be levelheaded and strong, even when some are... shall I say, giddy?


Well, that's about it for now.  I'm going to go try to learn some linguistics.  Then, home... Nutcracker, family, Sabbath?  Hopefully soon.

Wednesday randoms...

So, today I got to go to a European mini market.  My friend Lauren was kind enough to take me and it was so cool to walk in and see little grocery items with Russian and Polish and Ukrainian all over it... =)  Not going to lie when I say I was a little happy that the store owner mistook me for an actual Russian girl when he realized I spoke Russian and we started talking.  It was cool to have a random conversation and understand most of it.  I bought a carton of blood orange juice (reminiscent of my times in Ukraine!), some shortbread cookies, a chocolate "snack" as it said, and then - Cherry Vareniki!!  Can't wait to eat those!  =)


Last night before International Thanksgiving dinner, Joe Chen introduced me to Sveta, a Ukrainian biologist on her Fulbright year here at USC - we got to talk for a minute in Russian and it was fun!  We exchanged numbers so hopefully I'll see her again soon - she was very willing to help me practice, which is awesome.  I'd love to tell her about the time I spent in Ukraine.


Had life group today and God is really showing me that He is always in control... AND that following him is sometimes hard but always good... he really encouraged me by the conversation that came out of extra time with one of my girls tonight, too.


Watched some videos on youtube tonight, starting with Matt Chandler's "Jesus wants the rose", which I showed at life group, but then also this one by John Piper.  I just love how the three places he mentioned are: Ukraine, China, and SouthEast Asia (India).  Oh, none of those are connected to me at all.  ;-)


Just some cool things from today... now I have to go read about processing linguistic research - fun.

Vladimir on my mind...

So, I have no idea where I'll be this time next year.... I don't even have any idea where I'll be this summer (save in the wedding of one of my best friends on June 10!)... but for some reason, this one city keeps coming across my path.  It's become laughable how many random things have connected me to this city called Vladimir in Russia. 

This scholarship that I just applied for
(Which, may or may not be offered there this summer, but it's possible)

These missionaries that I'm praying for
(I literally just stumbled across their blog by clicking "next blog" on that top bar)

This cultural center that I've considered working for
(And, coincidentally, that administers the pen-pal program that my university program signed me up for)

This ministry that I stumbled upon in my frequent searches

This book that I picked up in the store one day

This author that is connected to the ministry and the book


So, I'm not saying that I know I'm going there, because who knows... but I am saying that if I do get accepted to a program there or apply for a job there, I'll know that the Lord has planted this city in my heart "from scratch", and it's been amazing to find references to it around every bend.

Medicine for my Soul this morning: Hebrews 12:1-17

Jesus, the Founder and Perfecter of Our Faith

12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Do Not Grow Weary

3 Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. 4 In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5 And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.6 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”

7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

12 Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, 13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. 14 Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; 16 that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. 17 For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears.

That is all... the Word of God is living and active, and this is what I read this morning.

If I really loved you...

If I really loved you,
would I live my life as my own the way that I do?
would I be so austere when I see you on the bus and realize I should ask your name?
would I pretend to not recognize you just because I'm busy and in my own world and don't want to bother?


If I really loved you,
would I let you serve me the way that you do and then only say thanks?
would I keep silent and let a conversation slip lazily by instead of being bold and asking that question?
would I give in and accept our differing views so easily, yet claim to live my life on display?


If I really loved you,
would I laugh at that joke that pokes fun at my friend, or my conviction, or my Maker?
would I give in to the idea that normal is better for me than radical truth?
would I let 4 years slip by without telling you the single most thing that I claim is important to me?


If I really loved you,
would I try to look so much like you that I don't show you who I am?
would I settle for "nice" and yet give you no reason why?
would I dare to let you think that I believe in a mere religion and that the God I serve is not HOLY?


But what do I love instead?
Comfort.
Acceptance.
Myself (more than you).
Reputation.
Image.
Security.
Separateness.
Elitism (gross).
False wisdom.
Pride.


But I want to love you.  Because as disgusting as that list is, and as lukewarm as I've been living, the God of the universe loves me.  I don't know why, and I don't deserve his love at all.  But He knew my wretchedness when he formed me... when He called me to him, when He called me his own.  And He wants you to know him... to know that He loves you... through Me.  I'm sorry that I've done a horrible job.  I'm not as loving as the God I serve, but He's teaching me how... and I'm just now starting to listen. He's also a patient God, by the way.  But first and foremost, He is HOLY.  And He loves you.  


"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God?  You are not your own, for you were bought with a price."  
I Corinthians 5:19-20

#10 on 10/10/10

So... today, on October (10) Tenth (10) Two Thousand Ten (10), the University of South Carolina is ranked Ten (10) in the nation in the NCAA Football rankings.  I'm your average football fan, who enjoys going to the games and will definitely yell the cheers, perhaps even when just watching the game on tv, but I'm not obsessed.  However, I do think that a WIN against the NUMBER ONE TEAM Alabama is worth posting about.  


In other news, I was actually at a cabin in the mountains this whole weekend (yes, while that game transpired)... and it was wonderful.  Among other things, I spoke Russian, met new people, climbed on waterfalls and went hiking (several times), ate sassafras leave stems, bought my first pair of Toms, enjoyed many a cultural, historical, linguistic, and theological discussion, ate s'mores, and worshipped by the fire with friends.  I think God was teaching me a bit about the idea of refinement, but more on that later.


Peace!

What Matters Most?

Would the people around you and me conclude that the GOSPEL is what matters most to us?  Why do we not make much of the Gospel? Why do we put so much more weight on what "they" would think instead of what He thinks?  Is not the danger that "they" might think that the Gospel, that Jesus, is what matters most to you... newsflash: that's not a bad thing!


Just some thoughts in conjunction with listening to a sermon from my home church.  

Beautiful Sabbath...

Today was beautiful.  Today, the Trinity and I spoke for a very long time, and I am falling deeper and deeper in love.  Today, He drew me nearer with his Love, his Faithfulness, his Goodness, his Beauty, his Creation, his People, his Path, and his Melody.  I am so thankful, I am so unworthy, and yet, I am HIS!  A prized possession in the presence of the Most High!  May you come to know His love and mercy and grace more fully, too.


Russia... Rostov... Anya... Future... IBA girls... Vlada... Rebekah... Rachel... Lindsay and Brandon... Natalie... Ashley B... Kremi... Mila... Kellie... Ballet Mag... Erin... Jessica... Meghan... Ashley J... Olivia... Mindy... USC Dance... Aimee... Amie... Kelley... Lauren... Emily... Sarah... Lindsey... Kathy... Danielle... Kathryn... April... Becca... Whitney... Betty... Taegen... Moriah... Nathaniel... Mom... Dad... Jillann... Baku... Anna... Hongrui... Steph... Cara... USC Dance Professors... Gennadii... Lena... Jurgen... Laynie...  May you draw them all near(er) to you, Father.

Draw Me Nearer by Meredith Andrews

Hello October

I hear the Savior say 
Thy strength indeed is small 
Child of weakness watch and pray 
Find in me thine all in all 

Jesus paid it all 
All to him I owe 
Sin had left a crimson stain 
He washed it white as snow 

Lord now indeed I find 
Thy power and thine alone 
Can change the lepers spots 
And melt the heart of stone 

Jesus paid it all 
All to him I owe 
Sin had left a crimson stain 
He washed it white as snow 

It's washed away! All my sin! 

And all my shame! 

And when before the throne 
I stand in him complete 
Jesus died my soul to save 
My lips shall still repeat 

Jesus paid it all 
All to him I owe 
Sin had left a crimson stain 
He washed it white as snow 
Sin had left a crimson stain 
He washed it white as snow 

Oh praise the one who paid my debt 

and raised this life up from the dead (x6) 

Jesus paid it all 
All to him I owe 
Sin had left a crimson stain 
He washed it white as snow 

The simplicity of this beautiful song has just 

reminded me of my God and his incredible 

goodness, which He gives freely and which I

do NOT deserve.  

The last week has been a strange one, but it

has been oh, SO good.  Among other things,

- I had my Fulbright interview and therefore

have finished everything in applying for that

except for signing it and turning it in to the office

next week.  

- I have REALLY come to realize that it's not

in my hands how that goes at all, and I'm good

with that - regardless of how good or bad my

interview went, how stellar or not my grades and

essays and application looks, if the God of the

universe wants me to go to Russia through Fulbright,

I will... if He wants to send me some other way,

then He will.  

- I am so thankful and praising Jesus for the 

beautiful restoration He is bringing to my family.

His timing is so perfect.

- God's been giving me glimpses of butterflies lately,

and I think He knows they've been little tiny, fragile

reminders of His love and who I am and how he cares

for me so delicately.  

- I got to talk to my dear friend Kellie on the PHONE 

last night and it was such a blessing - can't wait to see

her face and hug her neck in TWO WEEKS!!!

That's all for now...

Our God is GOOD!!

How in the world...

So, today I was on my old kick of spending hours (that I should be studying or preparing for something more important) searching the internet resources from government websites to blogs for jobs, careers, purpose, direction, etc. from such varied topics as International Adoption (yes, I am back on that train, at least in the investigative process) to social advocacy to State Department positions to English language school internships in Rostov...

Anyway, I came across this website, and I am stunned at the coolness of this phenomenon:  apparently, the US State Department is sponsoring the Washington D.C. based contemporary dance company, CityDance Ensemble, in a tour of the most random and abnormal region for such a company/government partnership: Kazakhstan, Belarus, and Russia.  Cool, right?  I would have thought this would never happen.  Well, anyway, I happen to really love the director, Paul Emerson's writing style.  He wrote so beautifully about a girl in Belarus who weaseled her way into the company's class, and I had to post it...

The Woman in Black

God, what does it mean that you're Sovereign? What does it mean that you're Love?

I came across this song this morning, thanks to Pandora+Misty Edwards... my prayer is that He will give
me his heart to love like He loves, to see like He sees, and that He would use me to be his hands and feet in this way.


Psalm 147:3-5
     He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  He determines the number of the stars
     and calls them each by name.  Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no 
     limit.

Psalm 68:5 
    Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.


Esther//Esterlyn


He heals the brokenhearted
He binds their wounds
He is Love

He finds those forgotten
Those have been abused
He is Love

He knows your name

A father to the fatherless
A healer of the brokeness you make
Beauty from the ashes

A helper to the helpless
A fighter for the hopeless you Love 
Those who are alone
Those who are alone
[Those who are alone]

He comforts the lonely
He hears their Cry
He is Love

He holds the children
Through out the night
He is Love

He knows your name

A father to the fatherless
A healer of the brokeness you make
Beauty from the ashes

A helper to the helpless
A fighter for the hopeless you love 
Those who are alone

Gives us your Heart Lord help us Love the unseen
And give us your Eyes Lord help us Love those in need

You're a father to the fatherless
A healer of the brokeness you make
Beauty from the ashes

You're a helper to the helpless
A fighter to the hopeless you love 
Those who are alone
Those who are alone

He knows your name


And then I came across the story behind this band's name, and I had to include it as well - watch it 
here on Youtube.