Mysterious Ways.

It was night, and I wasn't tired enough to fall asleep in the car on the long drive home.  The lights of the city provided a nightlight for my brain as I collected enough words for thought and wrote them down on the pages of the soul I keep trying to understand and follow and find all at once.  The darkness was comforting, and the somber peace of it matched my mood... contemplative, wandering.  What do I want of the people I love here?  I can't ask them to live the life I lead in America - that doesn't make any sense.  But, then - what of the life I lead in America is relevant to the life they lead here in Russia?  What simple truths translate across oceans, centuries, traditions, languages, and hearts?  What, essentially, does Truth boil down to, if not bound by culture or led by upbringing, but instead formed by reality that was real enough to rock a bunch of fishermen and set the world on fire, for or against?  Which words, I wondered, could convey what really matters, if I myself find it hard to differentiate from the flannel-graph and nursery songs that formed the childhood faith in me that they never knew?  The dark night enveloped my thoughts in a comforting way - neither answering nor swallowing them up... as if my thoughts found a seat among the stars and just let me look at them for a while.  And then, a familiar song on the radio.  Not a tired version of One Republic's Apologize or the overplayed Selena Gomez song that Russians love so much.  No, this was Michael W. Smith.  On a Russian Radio station.  That's right, good ol' 90s Michael W. Smith.  Sometimes when that happens in America, I wonder why the heck they're playing outdated music.  But here, in the middle of the Russian countryside on a holiday night drive between Rostov and Taganrog, in the midst of my thoughts of what I'm doing here and if I could ever convey my hopes for my family and friends here, this song miraculously found its way to my ears...

I will be here for you

Somewhere in the night

Somewhere in the night

I'll shine a light for you

Somewhere in the night

I'll be standing by

I will be here for you

God works in mysterious ways.  But he works, that's for sure.  I don't think I've ever appreciated those words from Michael W. Smith like I did tonight, somewhere in the night, wondering if the light was ever going to shine.  I don't know what he was thinking when he wrote that song, but I'm always amazed at how lyrics of songs can say different things at different times and be equally powerful.  I think I had a frown of disbelief on my face for a full minute, wondering how in the world that song found its way on Russian radio.  But I heard it loud and clear.  More encouragement in the dark.  Proof that he's listening. Proof that he's working.  Proof that the light will shine. 

Encouragement in the Dark.

Art not only communicates truth. It also creates emotional uprisings. Many churches have never considered giving an entire congregation the chance to experience intense stirrings. Many church leaders are uncomfortable if the final fill-in-the-blank is left unfilled. It seems far safer to give people tips and techniques and formulas alone, than to give them a license to touch a mystery.

And to be wrecked by it.

This quote, found in an article I randomly read today - I highly recommend it: The Collision of Faith and Creativity ... but seriously, what a blessing and encouragement, on a day where I found myself in a theatre watching people do what I used to do (dance) and don't do as often as I'd like.  It didn't make me sad, it just reminded me that I'm not done with that part of myself, and I need to not give it up, but get it back and keep throwing punches.  And that there's purpose in it still.  And I sat and contemplated all this on the way home, and then came and read this article.  Someone gets it - like, really gets it, and I love that.  I love the fact that art can be seen as purposeful without filling in the blanks, handing it to you on a silver platter, or coloring within the lines.  Giving the audience the license to tough a mystery, and to be wrecked by it - incredible, powerful words.  I'd like that as a career, thank you.  

from Colossians 2:17

The shadows are what are “cast” by a life captured by what matters most. The substance is a someone–Jesus. Without him the shadows are meaningless.
Brian Onken

Thoughts from a Friend on Jonah...

Jonah gets a bad rap... but if we really look into his story, and see how and why God chose Jonah for this journey, it begins to make much more, much deeper sense than the flannel graph Bible story you heard in 2nd grade.  Thoughts from a good friend of mine...

God knows what he is doing in calling you to what he wants for you. Sometimes, you might balk at it, you might reason your way out of it, you might push against it, you might run from what you think God is asking of you. But what I see in Jonah, is that beneath his resistance, behind his fleeing, hidden away in his soul there is something there that God already knew about . . . and it comes to the surface in a crisis moment. The kind of person Jonah is comes into view when the pressure is the greatest . . . and God already knew what kind of man Jonah was. In spite of Jonah’s initial fleeing, he cannot deny living as the man God knows him to be.

In other words, the call that God gives to Jonah is one way that God is going to put on display the kind of man that Jonah really is . . . and we see that here, in the storm, on the sea, with the pagan sailors, as Jonah offers to sacrifice his life so that they can live.

And that drives me to wonder: What is it that God knows about me that he intends to put on display for his glory through the challenges and the call he extends to me? What will become evident in us as the pressure rises?

when things make sense...

I can't connect the dots by looking forward, only backward.  When I look over my shoulder, I think I'm seeing glimpses that make me smile.  Not the cheesy grin for pictures, not the amused smirk with friends, but the slow curving of the lips that comes with a peaceful sigh - the kind that says, 'Yes, that's some of what this was for.  And it's worth it.'

October 8, 2011

Let this day be my offering.
May this time mark the place,
where my soul stops its wandering,
and my shifting feet cease.
You have my heart quieted and calm,
full of sand, wind, and storm.
Would I not run while standing,
to your arms now be drawn.
I could keep up my pace,
I could still wander on...
On my own I'd be leaning,
my own power long gone.
You placed rock 'neath my feet,
while I ran around in the sand;
Please, my Jesus, forgive my vanity,
may I hold tight to your hand.

missing you

   It is a beautiful, humbling thing to be missed.  It is a hearty, real, unsettling thing to miss someone.  There are some things a video screen and conversation can fill, and others - moments you wish to share, times you want to wrap your arms around a person or kiss their cheek - to pick up a phone and bring them into your day, to meet and hear about the mundane or complex things of theirs.
   And I sit here, halfway across the world from (#) of the best friends I could ask for... and many more to name - women I am so thankful to know, to watch them do life, to walk with and learn from, and I wonder how in the world I have anything to offer for them to miss.  Sometimes I think I have so much more to learn from them than they could learn from me... and so I guess what I'm trying to say is, thank you.  I don't deserve the beautiful friendships that you've given me, and at the same time, I hope I can treasure and cherish them, and hold them tight forever.  I know I don't need them.  I know that you are enough for me, and so I am thankful that you've chosen to give them to me.

A Prayer for 9/11 Ten Years Later

A Prayer for 9/11 Ten Years Later

I surrender all...

It's 12:52 am, and I confess that for the last hour (or two?), I have been aimlessly sitting at my computer looking up jobs and internships in Greenville.  Not because I'm looking for a job.  Just because I may, at one time, need to find a job in Greenville.  (i.e. in 10 months)  And as I, er, continued, I actually HEARD the words of the song playing on my Pandora...

I surrender all, I surrender all, All to Jesus, I surrender, I surrender all.

Right... about that.
See, earlier today, during a brief stolen few minutes with a best friend, I confessed for the millionth time (well... let's be honest.  I reiterated, restated, reopened, revisited, etc.  Confession usually denotes surprise, and this friend is WELL aware of this flaw of mine) my perpetual habit of trying to plan out my life, needing to have every duck in a row, and how ultimately that's all just different manifestations of FEAR and idolizing CONTROL.  I digress.  Anyway, last night, I decided something.

I'm not taking the GRE this summer.
Which means I'm not applying to Grad School while I'm in Russia.
Which means, I don't have "a plan" for the what next of The Return. (dun dun dun...)
Which means, I can quit wasting time spreading myself too thin in this last month before leaving.
Which means, I can actually focus on the things I need to do, like packing, lesson planning, logistics.
Which means, I will spend more quality time with my family and friends.
Which means, I want to trust God and His plan more than I want to have one of my own.
(I mean, come on - when will I EVER understand mine will never be as good, right?!)
(As if leaving for 10 months for a foreign country isn't enough to take in... I'm always trying to load that plate up, you know.  Silly me.)


But yeah, so.... my will power is a little pathetic.
But more importantly, no matter how many times I like to relapse back into that little habit, the major decision is still there, and I'm glad the Lord finally made me realize that I needed to decide to jump or not.

Oi vey.

back again...

I got to dance today.
To take class, to even teach impromptu... which was great prep for next week when I'll be full on teaching all week - an incredible answer to prayer in very specific ways.  And it was fun - I'm glad I got thrown in there to see how it went without worrying about it.
And, I even got to spend a few minutes alone in a dark studio all to myself, just me and Jesus... there's something about dance that says what you want without having to say it, and I love speaking that way with Him.
And it just really showed me -
I need to be doing more of that, continuing to spend time with Him in that way, and... even teaching kinda clicked.  It reminds me of this post from a few years ago... There's something there - something good, and meaty, and full of substance.  Something brewing, I can tell.  And I want it.  I know that wanting more of it means wanting more of Jesus, too.  So I'm asking Him to pull me in closer.
I'm ready.

NISSI, My Banner is Clear

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way rough, my companions few, my guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity or meander in the maze of mediocrity.  I won't give up, shut up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, or preached up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work until He stops me. And when He comes for His own, He will have no problems recognizing me - my banner will be clear! 

young african pastor

Another one of Jes' statuses... see what I mean?

In my weakness, I worry that I will never live up to this kind of Christian living.  And similarly, my heart of prayer is often completely rebellious... which, duh, directly affects the way that I live.  And yet, I find comfort in this tidbit from my friend Jeff:

Our prayers don't seem whiny. They are incense.

Nice.  So, somehow, even though my living is homely, and my prayers are lowly, somehow they are still incense.  How is that? Well, that's why there's so much beauty in the Spirit interceding for us - He knows the wretchedness of our hearts, the Holiness of God, and the Love of our Savior.  He not only saved us once and for all, He continues to pray on our behalf to the Father in glory.  Amen?

Past, Present, Future Truth

‎I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. 
I have Holy Spirit power. 
The die has been cast, I have stepped over the line. 
The decision has been made, I am a disciple of His. 
I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still. 
My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. 
I'm finished with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap living and dwarfed goals. 
I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits or popularity. 

I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. 

I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.

My good friend Jessica posts stuff like this as her status all the time, (in fact, the next post will be one of hers too) and the best thing about it is that, while they're not her own original words, these are words that I see active in her life.  I had the privilege of staying in her room while I was at Ballet Mag, and that room has Holy Spirit presence.  I'm not saying that the Spirit can't be anywhere, I'm just saying... He is welcome there, at home, comfortable.  There is a chair there that calls his name.  There is a rug that has been prayed on religiously, in the most sanctified use of that word.  And the person that lives there reflects this kind of living, in her words, her actions, the cries of her heart, and even in her bedroom, where supposedly no one really notices... and that's why it made such an impact on me. These words are so BIG, so deep, so NEEDED, and so... not me.  It's what half of me desires, but the other lazy, apathetic, people-pleasing, and fearful half of me resists at all costs.  Sometimes I wish I could write this a million times, as if that action will etch it into my soul and my desires will change.  As if painting it in big, broad strokes of crimson would keep me from forgetting my own heritage, the one that I never deserved, and never had to buy.  

But I mean, seriously -

low living?

sight walking?

small planning?

smooth knees?

colorless dreams?

tamed visions?

mundane talking?

cheap living?

dwarfed goals?

... of these I am certainly guilty.

I often want to be right, recognized, and rewarded.

I forget that I have decided to follow Jesus.

I underestimate and take for granted that I am a temple of the Holy Spirit, and He is powerful.

I want to live as part of the fellowship of the unashamed.

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure.

May this be in my heart and reflected in my life, Lord.

Amen.

Tell of His Goodness...

this will be, as many previous posts, a random and disjointed recollection of the things on my mind and in my life (to be literal, in my journal) from recent days... I basically learned so much in one week at Ballet Mag in Mississippi that I'll have to expound on it later, but I want to get down all the nuggets that were thrown at me in one post - both to finally put something out there, and to remember them, soak them in again, let them change the way I think once again...


Before I left...
   Just a little something to get this started: God, the ultimate Healer, completely healed my grandpa of three different kinds of Leukemia.  At Christmas this past year, he was looking at a month more of life, and at present, a bone marrow scan shows no sign of cancer and full remission status.  Actual. miracle.


Day 1...  after hearing of literal miracles and the way the Lord worked through Omega in Europe
   Already, I'm encouraged, not just by the work you do through this ministry, but by what you're showing to me about yourself...
You keep your promises.  You hear (and answer) our prayers.  You are not bound by practicality or logistics.  You know and love each one, each frame.  You are the same God in Stuttgart, Germany as you are in Jackson, Mississippi and Belgorod, Russia.  You are creative... you created everything... who am I to say something of your plan doesn't make sense?  You have purpose in every part - you do not waste our time - every piece fits.  You love, and care, and have concern for me, even in my weakness, my doubt, my fear.


O, house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares the LORD.  Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.  Jeremiah 18:6


Day 2...  what I would have hi-lighted were I not reading /Beyond Opinion, Ravi Zacharias/ during our chill time at Barnes and Noble (as in, the book wasn't mine...).
   Credo quia absurdum.  I believe because it is absurd.
"... the Christian faith has not so much failed to reflect reality, as that it never attempted to so do in the first place."  Michael Ramsden
Weltanschaung - a word that means "conception of life", I'm assuming in German


... the end goal is not any goal of mine - no desire or dream or objective smaller than the glorious day of His return.   It's all about that Glorious Day!


First Bible Study with the girls...
-Eternal Perspective
-How many times have you (in your own life) seen the Red Sea parted?  How could you forget His goodness?
-... for in Him, all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell... Wow.
-The word of the Lord is flawless. (Rev. 12:11)
-If we're not completely lost searching for Him, we have no idea who we're supposed to reflect.
-Tolerance is the virtue of those who believe in nothing.
-If truth were all inclusive, nothing would be false.
-Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.  - Jesus


Day 3...


I want to know you. 
When I'm reading your word.  When I'm in Bible study.  When I'm seeking you in prayer.  When I'm dancing.  I want to truly know you.  


I don't receive because I don't ask... and furthermore, my fear of asking for specific things, praying for more than just your generic 'will to be done' is really simply just a lack of faith under the guise of submissive prayer.  Yikes.


It doesn't take much - when you said a mustard seed, you meant it.


Day 4... A note from Jessica
   Trust Him.  Let go - don't hold back.  Cast your cares upon Him - haul, chuck, throw far away - and don't pick them back up. - Jessica
   Do I want what God wants, or do I want what God wants no matter the cost?  Until the will and affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have not begun to understand, let alone to accept, His lordship.  - Elisabeth Elliot
   Do not let fear dissipate your energy.  Instead, invest your energy into trusting me, singing your song.  - Jesus Calling


While watching Alpha perform 
The Arrival... 
   Every time you feel me stirring something inside of you, you try to start figuring out all the plans for Me... I am God.  I love you, and I can do ANYthing.  Let ME do the planning for you.  Jump into my arms.  Don't retreat, staying back in the studio trying to analyze how the jump and catch works.  I will catch you!  Don't be the little girl at the pool, running in attempt to the side, yet constantly retreating out of fear... you keep wanting to know which direction to start planning, but I want you to just learn to wait for my plans AS I GIVE THEM.  Each step, each breath.  You already have all you need to know.  I can do ANYthing.  
Ruth...
Like the wheat, there is purpose in growth, in me making you ripe for harvest.
Let my Holy Spirit intertwine around your heart and guide you, as surely and as faithfully as this illustration in front of you.
These dancers...
By all common understanding, their abilities are miraculous.  Kathy is 55 stinkin years old, dancing with no limitations.  Hannah's scoliosis should be so severe that she'd have trouble with regular exercise.  Christina had an organ appear out of nowhere in her body, and an impending case of hip dysplasia cured.  Ashley started ballet at age 17.  John was a full on engineer before he quit his job to do this.  You are God.  You delight in using the weak to shame the strong, what is foolish in the world to shame the strong.  (I Cor. 1:27)


Day 5... John Vandervelde's wisdom


Deeds... from the heart-->outward, not the skin<--inward.  (If the motivation is right, then everything on the outside is a beautiful, pleasing aroma... if the motivation is wrong, the exact same offering is a stench that the Lord hates.)


Rewards to lay at the feet of Jesus in heaven - actually tangibly real, and subsequent to salvation... this is where motivation for godly living comes -->  faithfully completing the work that God has called us to do.  (I Corinthians 3:9-17)   We're created *apart from works* in order to do good works, that we could not do when we were not saved.  Everything we do now has *another* purpose.  


I'm an evangelist, carefully disguised as a Walmart worker.


The people in life who know why are the bosses of the people who know how.


Do not exclude the word sin.  "He who rebukes a man will, in the end, have more favor than he who has a flattering tongue."  Proverbs 28:23


Christians in the secular environment, with responsibility, power, honor, and respect:  Daniel (2nd in command of 3 dynasties), Joseph (2nd in command of Egypt)


Day 6...


"How long, O God, is the foe to scoff?  Is the enemy to revile your name forever?  Why do you hold back your hand, your right hand?  Take it from the fold of your garment and destroy them!  Yet God my King is from of old, working salvation in the midst of the earth."  Psalm 74:10-12


Merry's testimony... 
-danger: applying the side effects of dance to your spiritual life (perfection, people-pleasing, idolatry)   
-A testimony is not "all the bad things you did, and then: Jesus"... a testimony is: Jesus.


Miss Brenda...
[Nehemiah] [learn what it means to PONDER] [do not be distracted - stay on course] [don't get in the pit and wrangle with 'em]


All that was needed for life, GOD provided.


** It's not just about saving people - it's about their lives going on to bring glory to God after that.  (Whoa... )


Day 7


Nominal Christianity: a dangerous religion  [nominal: existing in name only]


On wisdom:
   "The unfolding of your words gives light, it imparts understanding to the simple.  I open my mouth and pant, because I long for your commandments.  Turn to me and be gracious to me, as is your way with those who love your name.  Keep steady my steps according to your promise, and let no iniquity get dominion over me."  Psalm 119:130-133


A reminder, courtesy of Erin Beaver:
   ...You are the temple of the HOLY SPIRIT.  
   ...He speaks to His sheep.


   "For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified."  Hebrews 10:14


Day 8...


   "I get into some wild spots at times, but nothing I do is difficult.  It's not difficult because I'm driven by love.  I am compelled and motivated by love.  It is my passion for Jesus that causes me to pour compassion into others.  That's the gospel - a passion that births compassion.  All fruitfulness flows from intimacy unto a harvest... He is looking for servant-lovers who know who they are and are not afraid - so full of love that fear is not a word in their vocabulary.  Radical lovers of God move in radical compassion."  -Heidi Baker


Like I said... eclectic, long, and all over the place.  But kindof like a mosaic of the truths that He's been teaching me lately.

Love.

The Love of God is something that I feel I've never understood.  It's not that I don't feel loved, and not that I don't know what it means to give love, but this different kind of Love, the kind with immeasurable depth, the kind that should (but so often doesn't) cause awe and quaking humility, confuses me.  I feel as though I can never live up to an appropriate response of His love, stemming from an inadequate understanding of how much I take it for granted.  I know... I'm getting extremely wordy.  And even re-reading that, I know that this shouldn't be the way I seek to understand His love... it's the "free gift" of my childhood evangelism education, and yet still I struggle to understand and accept something that I both take for granted and can't grasp the weight of.  

Charlie spoke on 1 Corinthians 13 today - the well-worn paragraph used to define Love the world over.  But I really appreciated hearing more about why Paul said these words, why Love was described in this way to those people.  Paul was speaking not in generalized statements, but specifically to the behavior and lack of true Love displayed by the Corinthians... hence, the reason this paragraph comes in the 13th chapter, after Paul has spoken to each of these areas previously.  As I looked down the list in a new way, I easily saw a Corinthian reflection in my own life... this time, I didn't read through in the traditional practice, replacing "Love" with "Juliana" to check my behavioral status, but instead, reversed the list to see what Paul saw in the people he was lovingly calling out:

Am I... impatient? unkind? envious? boastful? arrogant? rude? selfish? irritable? resentful? proud of sin?

I know I could supply a very specific example to each one of these without difficulty.  

I read in a devotional today that the word "pure," when used in the sense of a musical tone, means free from harshness or roughness, and being in tune.  It made me think about parts of my character that are characterized by roughness, that are not in tune with God's version of Love.  Whether it's the shortness with which I carelessly treat my parents, or the worry that I have let creep back into my view of the future, my melody is blaringly off-key.

What's more, all of these "adjectives" in the Love paragraph of 1 Corinthians 13 are actually verbs in Greek... Love is only Love when we see it in action.  

And one more thought that really struck me - Paul was speaking to a church with many gifts, many talents, and a wealth of Biblical knowledge.  The Lord spoke to them in visions and manifested himself in supernatural ways, and yet... they lacked Love.  Though God can surely use us in our insufficiency, blindness, and arrogance (or, I should say, despite it) our doctrinal knowledge or spiritual commitment are not the gauge for our hearts - authentic Christianity flows out of a heart of Love.  

And so, actually in a backwards way, I started this post with the compilation of truths below... which all happened to point directly to this Love that I'm trying to understand.  I hope these words bless you as much as they did me, I hope my ramblings help you to think as much as they made me.

God's love is meteoric, his loyalty astronomic, his purpose titanic, his verdicts oceanic.  Yet in his largeness nothing gets lost; not a man, not a mouse, slips through the cracks.  Psalm 36:5-6 (Message)

How precious is your steadfast love, O God!  The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings.  They feast on the abundance of your house, and you give them drink from the river of your delights.  For with you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light.  Psalm 36:7-9 (ESV)

I'm more of a sinner than I ever dared imagine, but I'm more loved than I ever dared hope.  (Tim Keller)

The love of God is greater far


Than tongue or pen can ever tell


It goes beyond the highest star


And reaches to the lowest hell


The guilty pair, bowed down with care,


God gave His only Son to win


His erring child He reconciled:


You and I pardoned from our sin.



When ancient time shall pass away,


And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall


When men here refuse to pray,


And rocks and hills and mountains call


God's love, so sure, shall still endure


All measureless and strong


Redeeming grace to Adam's race


Shall be the saints' and angels' song



get this:

Could we with ink the ocean fill


And were the skies of parchment made


Were every stalk on earth a quill


And every man a scribe by trade


To write the love of God above


Would drain the ocean dry


Nor could the scroll contain the whole


Though stretched from sky to sky


(listen to Ascend the Hill sing this here)

Words.

Words are important to me... 

sometimes the beauty of the way words are arranged is so overpowering, I have to stop and repeat them in my mind, write them down, sing them, dance them.  I can't listen to songs without hearing the words and the meanings they intend, which... sometimes can be a bit burdensome, and sometimes it makes me want to press repeat over and over again.  When Scripture resonates with me, I'm compelled to simply rewrite it, to inscribe its truth once again, hoping to write it on my heart and mind as it comes out of my pen. I love the arranging of words - the perfect combination of well-placed words in a poem or lyric, or arranging them myself in order to demonstrate something important... to read well-written words, to hear the words sung in the instruments of music... I love the words exchanged between people who care about each other - discussions about things that matter, conversations that spur on and encourage, lift up and repair, bless and send, share and invite.  In choreography, there are words.  There are words I am trying to tell you through each movement, through the emotion they create.  There are words spoken by others that I want you to know and experience.  There are words spoken through the combination of movement and music that I don't even know, words only you understood when you saw.  There are words that I want to say as I create that only some will know - the choreographer, the dancer, the Creator.  And I think whatever comes my way - profession, location, kaleidoscope community - words will always be important.

Reblog...

I'm Not a Christian, But I'm Coming to Your Church This Sunday

Thomas Weaver » 

Okay I’m not a Christian, but I’ve finally made the decision to come to your church this Sunday. Don’t expect much from me though. If something comes up I might not, but right now I’m planning on it. I feel like I need to go, but I’m not sure why. I want to tell you a few things about myself before you meet me.

1.  I’m not going to understand religious language or phrases so be aware of that when we talk. I don’t understand slain in the spirit, God is moving in me, covered in the blood, I need to die to self, you just need to be in the Word, what you need is a new life, etc. If we have conversation filled with religious talk, I’m probably not going to understand half of the words...and maybe think you’re a little crazy.

2.  When you ask me how I’m doing, know that I don’t trust you. I’m probably going to lie and tell you I’m fine. It’s not that I don’t want to tell you; it’s just that I come from some pain and am not sure if I trust you yet. How about you tell me your story first? If I like you and get the vibe that you’re not trying to capture my soul or anything, I’ll tell you mine.

3.  I’ve got pretty rough language and I can be bitter and angry about some things. If I sense in you a mindset of superiority, I’m out. If you are just waiting for your turn to talk instead of truly listening to me, I’m not going to be interested. Don’t expect me to be exactly like you.

4.  Don’t make a big deal of introducing me to everyone you know. I understand a couple of people, but please; don’t set up a welcoming line. I’m just there to check it out; I need a bit of space.

5.  I’m going to be looking for genuine interest in me. I don’t want to feel like your personal salvation project or be a notch on your “I saved one” belt. If this Jesus is who you say he is, then I’m looking forward to seeing him in you. That’s how it works, right?

6.  I’m going to have questions. I need truth, not your preferences or your religion, so can you just tell me what the Bible says?

7.  I need to feel welcomed. Is there a time limit or something on my visit before I’m supposed to feel unwelcomed? I mean, I’ve been to other churches and there seemed to be a push for me to make up my mind or something. How long until I’m unwelcomed?

Thanks for hearing me out. I’m pretty sure I’m going to come this Sunday. But I might not.

Wise Words, from Current Friends and Ancient Sailors

You should listen to this while you read... (it was on my Pandora when I did)



I have to totally credit my friend Lindsey for posting this wonderful poem by Sir Francis Drake (her words at the end, too), but I had to repost it - I've been awol from blogging for a pretty long time - not necessarily because I had nothing to say, but mostly because so much was happening in such a small amount of time that I didn't know what to say, what to chew on some more, what to throw out there, and what to keep in my head for a later date.  I guess that the result (nothing) doesn't seem very productive, but it also meant I was just waiting for something that would sum things up, which I think this does quite well.  In as much of a nutshell as I can muster, these things happened:


The semester finished up.
Last dance concert (my choreography) at USC.
Final exams, presentation in Russian and Dance History.
I found out where I'll be from September-June: Hello, Belgorod, Russia.
(It's not Siberia!)
I also found out an interesting fact about Belgorod: this fun thing called an Anti-Missionary Law.
(more about Belgorod later)
I graduated COLLEGE.  Like, I'm done.
Anya came all the way from Russia to see me graduate and hang out in Greenville for a few weeks.
(Oh, how God handpicked that girl and her family for my life and His purpose, I am certain)
Last life group x2 - God is so faithful and good, but that's hard.
I said goodbye to people in Cola that I'll hate to not do life with all the time.
(I don't believe in ex-roommates.  I'll miss Monday nights, Tuesday mornings,
Wednesday evenings, and Thursday chats.  I'll miss Chinese dinners and walks by the rivers and 
homework nights and horseshoe days and Cool Beans and studio time and E-wood Sundays.)
The Lord gave a long-awaited answer to a question I'd been asking this semester.
(It was good, and our God is SO faithful - praise Him!)
God provided and grew and strengthened leadership for those taking my place.
I went to Charleston, took a nap on the beach, experienced the crash of waves with my eyes closed.
(kinda like following God when you don't see what's next, but you know it's there, you feel the wind on your back and the sand in your toes, and you trust)
I moved home.
I told my brother goodbye for the summer.
(He gives and takes away... I'm sacrificing without such a wonderful person for Woodlands Camp ;-)
It seems every sermon or Bible Study in the past two weeks has had to do with End Times, Heaven, and related topics.  
(another reason why this poem is so appropriate)
I sent in my application for Ballet Mag's Teacher Training Workshop, though it means I'll be pinching pennies all summer.
I've wrestled and settled and wrestled again with why this dance thing keeps holding on, what I'm supposed to do with it, confused how it all fits, but knowing that I'm not supposed to give it up...
I got on a planning kick for grad school.
(yes, already...)
And, I read Lindsey's blog today... 

Disturb Us, Lord


"Disturb us, Lord,
When we are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.


Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
With the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life
We have ceased our dreams of eternity,
And in our efforts to build a new earth
We have allowed our vision
Of the new heaven to dim.


Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where loosing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.


We ask you to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love."

~Attributed to Sir Francis Drake, 1577


Dream. Live. Dare. Go boldly to answer God's calling. Stay thirsty for Him... To do without is like a ship in a sea of doldrums.

Daddy, your footsteps are far apart.

Apart from me you can do nothing.
Abide in me.
You are the branches.
He prunes, that <you> may bear more fruit.
As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.
If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love.
These things I have spoken to you,
that my joy may be in you,
that your joy may be full.
Love one another as I have loved you.
You did not choose me, but I chose you...
... Appointed you, 
that you should go, and bear fruit that your fruit should abide
that you will love one another.
(John 15)

Abide.  #soeasytosay #sohardtodo #sogoodformysoul

Waiting...
Steadfastness, that is holding on;
Patience, that is holding back;
Expectancy, that is holding the face up;
Obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do;
Listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear.
(Passion and Purity)

Show me who I am, Abba -
apart from distractions.  As your child, as a woman, as a girl.  
As a student, as a graduate.  As a leader, a follower, a sister,
a friend.  As a daughter, as a lost sheep.  As a Mary, as I sit
at your feet.
Show me who I am.


"True oneness, true unity inspired by the Spirit will always
sacrifice preferences at the feet of the person of Christ and the
unity he wants, whether they be political, theological, or anything.
May the Bride find delight in the service of sacrificing for unity."
(RT: @drummerboyTJ, John 14)




#preBrazil.

learning to lament

Jesus, why is it so hard for me to carry your name?  God, my vision is so clouded by the film the world wants to paint over everything.  Your glory has been reduces to the feeble attempts at describing or describing away who you are.  We keep building towers of Babel and then celebrating in the climax of our confusion.  So many, God? So many are lost and believing this construction of false truth that we've made for and from ourselves, or that we've swallowed, begged, borrowed from generations before?
If grace is an ocean, we're sinking, but the avalanche of self-worship keeps plunging into the sea - it won't ever fill it but it still keeps coming - no one learning from before...
I know.  I know the ocean's not big enough to describe your grace.  I know, even, that the avalanche can't compare to how far we've fallen... but somehow the spring comes after every//single//winter... right, God?  The mountains move, the lame walk, the blind see, the dead rise... right, God?  You are a God of miracles. Of turning Babel on its knees, of extending the kingdom to the sinner on the cross by your side, of loving the tyrant, the rebel, the arrogant, the one who gets himself lost on purpose.  
But sometimes they don't come.  Sometimes the daughter they've seen grow up and cling to you just doesn't seem to be enough.  The friend who's loved them believes truth that's only for her.  The sister's example of 'religion' is just a drop in the bucket in a sea of hypocrisy, her earnest prayer seems not to be heard.  The husband that left has caused too deep a scar, the years of a misfed philosophy are too deeply ingrained.  
And the hope that I claim, the one I live by, has only been a shade of the truth.  I'm only standing ankle deep in that sea of grace - my body still whipped by the wind and the sun and the views of Babel towers on the shore - though not for lack of your invitation.  God, I want to swim.  Bring me in, deeper = may I not stop at my knees, my waist, my neck. But God, will they come?  Will they even come as far as their ankles?  Maybe they'll never come if they're not called by someone swimming.  So teach me to swim, Father.  Teach me to swim by drawing me in - may I not fear, may I not forget those on the shore, but may I jump in to the truth of your grace, your sacrifice, your salvation, your arms.  Catch me, Daddy, I want to jump in.


Matt (my worship pastor from home) spoke about the Psalmist's lament on Sunday, and that day, it didn't quite resonate... but yesterday, quite unexpectedly, I got it while I journaled and wrote this.  He said that a lament is different from grumbling or complaining, because a lament still places focus on God, and ends in giving him glory.  He cares deeply about our thoughts, and yet, we must see that all of our confusion and fear ultimately ends with Him, at the foot of the cross.