Oh my...

So, here I sit feeling quite sheepish in my pajamas, headphones in my ear, listening to Russian Talk Radio. I probably catch every 4th word... 
I pretty much just got lovingly chastised for not making my Russian a priority right now, even though my Fulbright interview is on Monday.  RIGHTLY SO, as I just had a practice telephone conversation with Maia Vladimirovna, and realized how much I would have COMPLETELY failed, had I tried to do this interview without her... yikes.  So, while she is willing (actually, she said she felt compelled) to speak with me every day this weekend, I also feel really silly and like a little kid who didn't clean their room... I think she was more "compelled" because she realized there's no way I would pass if I didn't get my butt in gear and try to salvage any chance I have by practicing with her more.  I need to make this a priority, create a language environment for myself, and think, speak, listen, breathe in Russian this weekend, at least until Monday at 10am.  
Oh, did I mention that I'm going to be AWAY this weekend supposedly relaxing at Family Vacation with Midtown?  Yeah... not really sure how that's going to work.  Talk about "creating a language environment" at a Myrtle Beach retreat center with a bunch of loud, excited, rowdy Midtown family.  I kinda want to throw up, thinking about how UNprepared I could have been, wondering if I'll get any more prepared in 3 days... is that even possible??
Oh my.  Of course, I know that all of this is bigger than my little interview.  BUT, at the same time, the Lord has given me ability and resources, and he probably appreciates when I use them to the best of my ability, not just try to slide by.  I mean, it's not like I thought I had this in the bag, but I also haven't been writing papers and listening to Talk Radio in Russian either until this point.  
Oi.  I feel a little crazy.  a little stupid.  a little like I just disappointed someone who really matters.  a little like the last kid picked for the team.  a little like the stupidest kid in class.
Whoops.

a nice friday

grin.
from ear to ear.
it's silly... yet right, pure.
deep breath, heart pulse.
Spirit, your glory is beautiful.
beautiful enough for me to see it in this,
a portrait, a picture, a painting,
a shade of You.
flicker.  
mind racing, memorizing words.
emulating those caught, kept.
Your voice is heard throughout,
Your finger's path i follow.
it shows me patience,
brush strokes more creative 
than i thought i could see.
a gift for now, for always?
my timid toes are wet.
blink.
this way, walk, Your voice whispers,
it makes me know trust.
the glimpse i see is wild and delicate,
like the beating of butterfly wings.
a disciple of grace, 
aware of the vapor, thankful for the flower,
grinning, still.

all i can say right now is

Oh, Jesus, I can't teach on Romans 1. 
Help,
Me.

First post of 2011...

Honestly, I had no idea how I'd restart my blog after being at Passion and since it's the new year - 2011! I think I'll probably write later about, you know - the vision and dreams I have for this year/my apprehension and excitement about all of the change that will come with it, but for now, I really loved reading this song or poem that a fellow blogger recently posted... it all kind of mixes together with what I learned at Passion, Resonate, and what I think this year will probably shape itself around.  (You should read her full post, too - the link's on the bottom of the page.)

The Visionary

The disparity between vision and realization

The now and the not yet

The real and the ideal

Could lead to slight insanity

And despair

If it were not for God

If it were not for heaven

From where else do we derive this sense

Of perfect love

Perfect beauty

Perfect truth?

When I’m lost in a haze

Searching for peace

Wanting to find that place

Where earth and sky meet

He whispers in the still moments

At His feet

It’s through the humble door

Of My loving, boundless, extravagant

Grace

Encouraging Thoughts from Myra Watkins...