Christina Heaston is awesome.

Best idea EVER. Wish I was this crafty... maybe someday in the future.  That would require for me to first - be able to go to thrift stores, which will be awesome.  Anyway, totally legit Christmas wrapping, is all I have to say.

white Christmas musings...

Chinua Achebe wrote a book called Things Fall Apart.  I'm not really going to go into a diatribe comparing my family's relationships to the colonization of Africa, but I feel like borrowing his title for a minute.  Miscommunication happens.  Fight for individual independence while living at home during college happens.  Sibling age gaps happens.  Being the oldest sibling and understanding all sides of the conflict happens.  Being the youngest and identifying conflict as your family's character happens.  Being the middle one and feeling like you'll always be looped in with the youngest one happens.  Being the only boy and feeling like you're always blamed for everything happens.  Being the mom and wondering where you went wrong, why they all don't want to hang out with each other all the time happens.  Being the dad and feeling trapped in an endless cycle happens.  Things fall apart.  I feel like both a participant and a witness these days.  And I'm learning to not be so selfish... that it takes what I may see as sacrifice to start building the brick layers of healthy family relationships... and it's worth it.  Tomorrow I'm probably going to play in the snow - in front of my own house.  I'm going to curl up and read a book with my sis.  I'm going to watch White Christmas with the sisters.  I forgot that I want to spend time with them, and that's a shame.  What a gift I've been given, and yet - sometimes I have chosen to leave it for another day.  Well, that day's tomorrow.  Things can be put back together again.

more than a Christmas Carol

Lately I've been kind of challenging myself to really listen to songs... every now and then, I will sing a song in church or even just hear it on the radio, and halfway through my autopilot rendition of it, realize the incredible depth of the words that I so often sing mechanically, without a thought to them.   A lot of Christmas songs, written so many years ago, are actually stunning in their depth of theology and blatantly messianic themes, yet I hear them and think nothing more than "Christmas song", just the same as Frosty the Snowman or Jingle Bells.  These are two that caught my attention recently - I'll highlight some of the parts that really impacted me once I took a second look:

Joy to the World

Joy to the World , the Lord is come!
Let earth receive her King;
Let every heart prepare Him room,
And Heaven and nature sing,
And Heaven and nature sing,
And Heaven, and Heaven, and nature sing.

Joy to the World, the Savior reigns!
Let men their songs employ;
While fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat, repeat, the sounding joy.

No more let sins and sorrows grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground;
He comes to make His blessings flow
Far as the curse is found,
Far as the curse is found,
Far as, far as, the curse is found.

He rules the world with truth and grace,
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love.

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height,
In ancient times did'st give the Law,
In cloud, and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel. 

 Did you ever notice how much this last one had to do with bringing back Israel to its Maker?  This is not Isaiah or Hosea, friends, but present day "Christmas Carol"!

the sound that still resonates...

reflections from last night...


listening to the gifts you've given my friends as they warm up through instrument and song
slow jams in soft light - singing of the power of your name
the funny paradox between how much I love gungor/beautiful things and how much Rachel already  knows that
Rach's boots on the table, candle flickering
journaling
Tanner's spontaneous solo
a beautiful chorus of OH's
Armfield's arms outstretched, worship in moments of unorganized preparation
wobbly tables, broken walls
unfinished paintings, colors of a sky screaming 
christmas twinkle lights
empty chairs soon to be filled by family
red cowgirl boots, soft gel lights
beautiful voices
friends that are family, family that are friends

and then this... God already knew this has been on my mind recently, and in so many ways, he answered my prayers last night, just in choosing to show me more, to teach me and guide me, to give me insight and even more reason to trust him

2 Corinthians 12:1 I must go on boasting. Though there is nothing to be gained by it, I will go on to visions and revelations of the Lord. 2 I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven—whether in the body or out of the body I do not know, God knows.3 And I know that this man was caught up into paradise—whether in the body or out of the body I do not know, God knows— 4 and he heard things that cannot be told, which man may not utter. 5 On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses. 6 Though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. 7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, [1] a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

 later, I find myself in the dark and freedom of the back of this "family living room"... arms outstretched, declaring loudly, 

God, I trust you!

... in that moment, I feel such freedom, because I'm telling him I trust him for so many different things.  With confidence, I really do trust him with my future.  With joy, even, that I haven't been able to feel or step into before, I trust him with this time in front of me of waiting to know what comes next.   Will I lapse into fear? worry?  But I don't have to... I have declared that I trust him - I know he has a plan.  It even brings me joy to know that I do have this blank slate before me where he will put things in place as they need to come, that he will show me only as much as I need to know...  it's freedom and risk at exactly the same time. 


... can I trust him to recreate beauty and restore brokenness?  can I trust that if I walk this way, he will provide, not "just enough to get by", but in abundance?  can I trust that I'm in the right place, that these are the right shoes to be stepping in to?  can I trust that whatever purpose he has is what is good and perfect for me - whether it's just a piece of the puzzle or a big part of the picture?


all of these thoughts make me think of the process Rach's painting has been through even in the last three weeks I've seen it... how it has transformed each time - all reflecting the beautiful colors of the sky, but the path lightening,  the hills becoming more clear, the hues of its greenery shifting to reflect a new purpose... you're changing me.  With each new part of your plan, the scenery looks a little different.  But those colors of the sky, they still stretch wildly across, jewel tones that starkly represent something - beauty, mystery, power.  Somehow that resonates with me.  that, and the sound of my own voice declaring my trust in you... i can almost still hear it...


I trust you.  I am willing, I am walking, I am thankful. 

Tuesday Randoms...

School is drawing to a close and I'm under a false pretense that that means things will slow down... of course, I'm remembering that it won't quite... and that it will only be the scenery that changes in the course of a few hours.  Soon, a library full of caffeine-hyped college students cramming and facebooking will be exchanged for a bustling theatre with a disconcerting mix of nostalgia, brilliance, hype, brokenness, and a facade that pretends not to face it.  


On Sunday we talked in detail about what's going on in the world - namely, the trafficking industry.  Adam said something that resonated with me, but it wasn't even really related.  I guess not on a surface level, but when I was reminded by a friend that it's really all about brokenness, it makes sense.  The Spirit reminded me that just as I see this time at home as an opportunity to pour into someone who has been wronged, I can't give up on the person who hurt her.  I can't hide behind the reaction that I want to have, or the reaction that other people will have.  I have to remember that he is broken, too... and this may be an opportunity to pour into him as well.  It may be that God uses this circumstance for such a time as this with him... not what I had in mind.  Not what seems easy, or even, "right".  


On Monday, I was taken aback a little bit by the sincerity and passion and emotion of a friend who has seen injustice up close and personal, and was moved to tears that we aren't doing enough - that we don't even know (or care) what we're up against.  I was challenged to ask myself if I do what I do to say that I did it, or if I do it because I am TRULY motivated by the gospel.  Sure, I can give $15 to Project Rescue, but would I be willing to drop everything and go?  


Later I sat in a prayer meeting... and I came across this thing that just keeps confusing me.  Yes, I do so want the Kingdom to come, yes, I do want the pain to be over, the tears to be dried... but can I pray for His kingdom to come so soon?   As I sit here knowing that I'll be in that kingdom, but so many won't?  Can I pray for the race to end, for there to be no more time for anyone else to be let in?   Is it better to pray for Him to come so that there is "no more pain", but for those who don't know Him to have pain forever??  I am so confused by this concept.  I don't know if I can pray for Him to come back so soon.  Of course I hate the injustice.  Of course I'm horrified at the Enemy and the way he has twisted the brokenness of people.  Of course I want Jesus to bring vengeance and restoration.  But God, can we have more time?  I think maybe when I was reading the words of Asaph today I was a little comforted that he thought something similar... 

How long, O God, is the foe to scoff?  Is the enemy to revile your name forever?  Why do you hold back your hand, your right hand?  Take it from the fold of your garment and destroy them!  <<Yet God my King is from of old, working salvation in the midst of the earth.>>  Psalm 74: 10-12 

I also found this song.  I'm really loving the music of Jon Foreman right now... possibly because it's straight out of the Bibliya.  


And then there's this thing on my mind.  The Lord has been faithful in keeping me on my toes, providing me with people who encourage me to guard my heart.  Oh the tightropeline walking of fighting and wandering, though - so tempting.  I guess I'm kinda glad that it gave me a knot in my stomach tonight, though... like - Jesus, please keep my eyes on you.  Let me trust you - for time, for provision, for guidance, for clarity.  Help me to be levelheaded and strong, even when some are... shall I say, giddy?


Well, that's about it for now.  I'm going to go try to learn some linguistics.  Then, home... Nutcracker, family, Sabbath?  Hopefully soon.

Wednesday randoms...

So, today I got to go to a European mini market.  My friend Lauren was kind enough to take me and it was so cool to walk in and see little grocery items with Russian and Polish and Ukrainian all over it... =)  Not going to lie when I say I was a little happy that the store owner mistook me for an actual Russian girl when he realized I spoke Russian and we started talking.  It was cool to have a random conversation and understand most of it.  I bought a carton of blood orange juice (reminiscent of my times in Ukraine!), some shortbread cookies, a chocolate "snack" as it said, and then - Cherry Vareniki!!  Can't wait to eat those!  =)


Last night before International Thanksgiving dinner, Joe Chen introduced me to Sveta, a Ukrainian biologist on her Fulbright year here at USC - we got to talk for a minute in Russian and it was fun!  We exchanged numbers so hopefully I'll see her again soon - she was very willing to help me practice, which is awesome.  I'd love to tell her about the time I spent in Ukraine.


Had life group today and God is really showing me that He is always in control... AND that following him is sometimes hard but always good... he really encouraged me by the conversation that came out of extra time with one of my girls tonight, too.


Watched some videos on youtube tonight, starting with Matt Chandler's "Jesus wants the rose", which I showed at life group, but then also this one by John Piper.  I just love how the three places he mentioned are: Ukraine, China, and SouthEast Asia (India).  Oh, none of those are connected to me at all.  ;-)


Just some cool things from today... now I have to go read about processing linguistic research - fun.

Vladimir on my mind...

So, I have no idea where I'll be this time next year.... I don't even have any idea where I'll be this summer (save in the wedding of one of my best friends on June 10!)... but for some reason, this one city keeps coming across my path.  It's become laughable how many random things have connected me to this city called Vladimir in Russia. 

This scholarship that I just applied for
(Which, may or may not be offered there this summer, but it's possible)

These missionaries that I'm praying for
(I literally just stumbled across their blog by clicking "next blog" on that top bar)

This cultural center that I've considered working for
(And, coincidentally, that administers the pen-pal program that my university program signed me up for)

This ministry that I stumbled upon in my frequent searches

This book that I picked up in the store one day

This author that is connected to the ministry and the book


So, I'm not saying that I know I'm going there, because who knows... but I am saying that if I do get accepted to a program there or apply for a job there, I'll know that the Lord has planted this city in my heart "from scratch", and it's been amazing to find references to it around every bend.