שָׁלוֹם/Shalom

Apparently I wrote this 5 days into my senior year of college, and never published it.  It's kind of achingly beautiful to see what the Lord has taught me, brought me through, said yes to, said no to, and still left unanswered in all of that time.  Shalom.

Shalom, in the liturgy and in the transcendent message of the Christian scriptures, means more than a state of mind, of being or of affairs. Derived from the Hebrew root shalam – meaning to be safe or complete, and by implication, to be friendly or to reciprocate. Shalom, as term and message, seems to encapsulate a reality and hope of wholeness for the individual, within societal relations, and for the whole world. To say joy and peace, meaning a state of affairs where there is no dispute or war, does not begin to describe the sense of the term.




My mind is kindof exploding, so all this talk about peace is a really great thing to be dwelling on.
I'm in the library for the third night in a row.  That's all normal, perhaps, for a typical college student, but let me just tell you: today was the FIFTH day of school.  Why is my mind exploding?  The most random combination of things.  Maybe I can give you a picture of my mind's wanderings this evening:


Encouragement of tonight's Life Group-->The perfect Peace of my Savior in the midst of the busiest semester I think I'll ever have in my undergrad career--> Isaiah 26:3-4, a verse I memorized this summer with CHAIRS--> skipping any work on my Grant Proposal--> filling out parts of my online Fulbright Application--> stumped: a question that reads, "What do you plan to do upon your return to the U.S.?"--> Pondering grad schools.  Beyond the idea of going to a school for an MA in TESOL... (because that doesn't sound prestigious enough for my application...)--> MFA in Dance?--> Hollins University MFA, Thaddeus' program...--> Why in the world would I get an MFA in Dance, and what in the heck would I do with it?--> Discovery that Hollins supports an International residency program for its MFA students, and that Anna Kisselgoff is part of the faculty--> Anna Kisselgoff's biography... the woman studied Russian, and I realized that she's my academic/artistic hero--> Hollins' MA in Liberal Studies program browsing--> Wait, how in the world (literally) does that connect with my purpose in life?--> What does God want me to do with all of this?--> Is there a graduate program in Dancer turned Social Justice Worker with a Concentration in Becoming Fluent in Russian in order to Share the Gospel, Travel the World, Participate/Critique the Dance Community and Work with Orphans from Russia and Ukraine? That's the master's program I'll be pursuing after returning to the U.S., Fulbright, thanks for asking.--> Wow, if it was just up to me, I'd be completely lost.  I'd have an endless amount of options that would otherwise be meaningless.--> I serve a God who is in control when I am not (which is always).  He stuns me in that, I can't seem to ever connect the different threads he has running throughout my life.  I don't understand if they are just means to a singular pursuit, or if they are like a braid that actually works simultaneously.-->Not actually freaking out about this... but still quite perplexed at how complex my options could be, and how confusing this process is.  What is most value in regards to the Kingdom?  What uses the talents that God has given me for the greatest magnification of his glory above all else?-->The need for Peace. Recognition and Thanksgiving that HE IS YAHWEH SHALOM.--> Thank goodness - Amen.


How's that for a big long map of my thoughts over the past hour?

future...

confusing.
exciting.

terrifying.
CONFLICTING.
liberating.
__________.
undefined.
full of debt.
nurtured.
determined?
job?
school?
Russia?
Dance?
language.
travel.
friends=married.
me=nomad?
US?

future...
i want to surrender, but i don't know how.
i don't know where or when or what.
i don't know.

please turn the confusion into surrender.
please turn the questions into answers.
please turn the blanks into direction.
please turn my heart toward yours.
please help my stretched out mind to focus.
please help my wayward soul to know its course.
even if only one step ahead.
please help me to be content in that.
please help me to be thankful.
please help me to surrender.
please help me to know.
please help me to trust.
please help me to seek.
please help me to take it.
please help me to never give up.
please help me to LIVE.
please help me to walk in your Word.
please help me to listen to your Spirit.
please help me to dance and sing.
please help me to know how.

future...

"in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them..." ps. 139:16
"let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for IN YOU I TRUST. make me know THE WAY I SHOULD GO, for TO YOU i lift up my soul... teach me to do your will, for you are my God! let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!" ps. 143:8,10

protected.
enough.
provided.
amen.