It's 12:52 am, and I confess that for the last hour (or two?), I have been aimlessly sitting at my computer looking up jobs and internships in Greenville. Not because I'm looking for a job. Just because I may, at one time, need to find a job in Greenville. (i.e. in 10 months) And as I, er, continued, I actually HEARD the words of the song playing on my Pandora...
I surrender all, I surrender all, All to Jesus, I surrender, I surrender all.
Right... about that.
See, earlier today, during a brief stolen few minutes with a best friend, I confessed for the millionth time (well... let's be honest. I reiterated, restated, reopened, revisited, etc. Confession usually denotes surprise, and this friend is WELL aware of this flaw of mine) my perpetual habit of trying to plan out my life, needing to have every duck in a row, and how ultimately that's all just different manifestations of FEAR and idolizing CONTROL. I digress. Anyway, last night, I decided something.
I'm not taking the GRE this summer.
Which means I'm not applying to Grad School while I'm in Russia.
Which means, I don't have "a plan" for the what next of The Return. (dun dun dun...)
Which means, I can quit wasting time spreading myself too thin in this last month before leaving.
Which means, I can actually focus on the things I need to do, like packing, lesson planning, logistics.
Which means, I will spend more quality time with my family and friends.
Which means, I want to trust God and His plan more than I want to have one of my own.
(I mean, come on - when will I EVER understand mine will never be as good, right?!)
(As if leaving for 10 months for a foreign country isn't enough to take in... I'm always trying to load that plate up, you know. Silly me.)
But yeah, so.... my will power is a little pathetic.
But more importantly, no matter how many times I like to relapse back into that little habit, the major decision is still there, and I'm glad the Lord finally made me realize that I needed to decide to jump or not.
Oi vey.
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