Oh my...

So, here I sit feeling quite sheepish in my pajamas, headphones in my ear, listening to Russian Talk Radio. I probably catch every 4th word... 
I pretty much just got lovingly chastised for not making my Russian a priority right now, even though my Fulbright interview is on Monday.  RIGHTLY SO, as I just had a practice telephone conversation with Maia Vladimirovna, and realized how much I would have COMPLETELY failed, had I tried to do this interview without her... yikes.  So, while she is willing (actually, she said she felt compelled) to speak with me every day this weekend, I also feel really silly and like a little kid who didn't clean their room... I think she was more "compelled" because she realized there's no way I would pass if I didn't get my butt in gear and try to salvage any chance I have by practicing with her more.  I need to make this a priority, create a language environment for myself, and think, speak, listen, breathe in Russian this weekend, at least until Monday at 10am.  
Oh, did I mention that I'm going to be AWAY this weekend supposedly relaxing at Family Vacation with Midtown?  Yeah... not really sure how that's going to work.  Talk about "creating a language environment" at a Myrtle Beach retreat center with a bunch of loud, excited, rowdy Midtown family.  I kinda want to throw up, thinking about how UNprepared I could have been, wondering if I'll get any more prepared in 3 days... is that even possible??
Oh my.  Of course, I know that all of this is bigger than my little interview.  BUT, at the same time, the Lord has given me ability and resources, and he probably appreciates when I use them to the best of my ability, not just try to slide by.  I mean, it's not like I thought I had this in the bag, but I also haven't been writing papers and listening to Talk Radio in Russian either until this point.  
Oi.  I feel a little crazy.  a little stupid.  a little like I just disappointed someone who really matters.  a little like the last kid picked for the team.  a little like the stupidest kid in class.
Whoops.

a nice friday

grin.
from ear to ear.
it's silly... yet right, pure.
deep breath, heart pulse.
Spirit, your glory is beautiful.
beautiful enough for me to see it in this,
a portrait, a picture, a painting,
a shade of You.
flicker.  
mind racing, memorizing words.
emulating those caught, kept.
Your voice is heard throughout,
Your finger's path i follow.
it shows me patience,
brush strokes more creative 
than i thought i could see.
a gift for now, for always?
my timid toes are wet.
blink.
this way, walk, Your voice whispers,
it makes me know trust.
the glimpse i see is wild and delicate,
like the beating of butterfly wings.
a disciple of grace, 
aware of the vapor, thankful for the flower,
grinning, still.

all i can say right now is

Oh, Jesus, I can't teach on Romans 1. 
Help,
Me.

First post of 2011...

Honestly, I had no idea how I'd restart my blog after being at Passion and since it's the new year - 2011! I think I'll probably write later about, you know - the vision and dreams I have for this year/my apprehension and excitement about all of the change that will come with it, but for now, I really loved reading this song or poem that a fellow blogger recently posted... it all kind of mixes together with what I learned at Passion, Resonate, and what I think this year will probably shape itself around.  (You should read her full post, too - the link's on the bottom of the page.)

The Visionary

The disparity between vision and realization

The now and the not yet

The real and the ideal

Could lead to slight insanity

And despair

If it were not for God

If it were not for heaven

From where else do we derive this sense

Of perfect love

Perfect beauty

Perfect truth?

When I’m lost in a haze

Searching for peace

Wanting to find that place

Where earth and sky meet

He whispers in the still moments

At His feet

It’s through the humble door

Of My loving, boundless, extravagant

Grace

Encouraging Thoughts from Myra Watkins...

Christina Heaston is awesome.

Best idea EVER. Wish I was this crafty... maybe someday in the future.  That would require for me to first - be able to go to thrift stores, which will be awesome.  Anyway, totally legit Christmas wrapping, is all I have to say.

white Christmas musings...

Chinua Achebe wrote a book called Things Fall Apart.  I'm not really going to go into a diatribe comparing my family's relationships to the colonization of Africa, but I feel like borrowing his title for a minute.  Miscommunication happens.  Fight for individual independence while living at home during college happens.  Sibling age gaps happens.  Being the oldest sibling and understanding all sides of the conflict happens.  Being the youngest and identifying conflict as your family's character happens.  Being the middle one and feeling like you'll always be looped in with the youngest one happens.  Being the only boy and feeling like you're always blamed for everything happens.  Being the mom and wondering where you went wrong, why they all don't want to hang out with each other all the time happens.  Being the dad and feeling trapped in an endless cycle happens.  Things fall apart.  I feel like both a participant and a witness these days.  And I'm learning to not be so selfish... that it takes what I may see as sacrifice to start building the brick layers of healthy family relationships... and it's worth it.  Tomorrow I'm probably going to play in the snow - in front of my own house.  I'm going to curl up and read a book with my sis.  I'm going to watch White Christmas with the sisters.  I forgot that I want to spend time with them, and that's a shame.  What a gift I've been given, and yet - sometimes I have chosen to leave it for another day.  Well, that day's tomorrow.  Things can be put back together again.

more than a Christmas Carol

Lately I've been kind of challenging myself to really listen to songs... every now and then, I will sing a song in church or even just hear it on the radio, and halfway through my autopilot rendition of it, realize the incredible depth of the words that I so often sing mechanically, without a thought to them.   A lot of Christmas songs, written so many years ago, are actually stunning in their depth of theology and blatantly messianic themes, yet I hear them and think nothing more than "Christmas song", just the same as Frosty the Snowman or Jingle Bells.  These are two that caught my attention recently - I'll highlight some of the parts that really impacted me once I took a second look:

Joy to the World

Joy to the World , the Lord is come!
Let earth receive her King;
Let every heart prepare Him room,
And Heaven and nature sing,
And Heaven and nature sing,
And Heaven, and Heaven, and nature sing.

Joy to the World, the Savior reigns!
Let men their songs employ;
While fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat, repeat, the sounding joy.

No more let sins and sorrows grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground;
He comes to make His blessings flow
Far as the curse is found,
Far as the curse is found,
Far as, far as, the curse is found.

He rules the world with truth and grace,
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love.

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height,
In ancient times did'st give the Law,
In cloud, and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel. 

 Did you ever notice how much this last one had to do with bringing back Israel to its Maker?  This is not Isaiah or Hosea, friends, but present day "Christmas Carol"!